5 things single moms want you to know
As a single mom, Kailly acknowledges she has many blessings in her daily life: Financial stability, owning her home, and having only one child. She is grateful to have a positive co-parenting relationship and gets along well with her ex’s fiancé. However, there are still plenty of challenges to single parenting! Plus, mamas with multiples and those without supportive exes face even more challenges in raising their kids and finding balance.
CityMom Kailly S. and her son.
Here are five things Kailly wants people to know about being a single mom:
1. The obvious: It can be frustrating.
While many moms can relate to feeling like they carry much of the mental load, single moms often carry even more of the weight. Schools tend to call mom first with any incident or illness, so they are often the ones expected to take off work or change their schedule. Even in positive co-parenting relationships, it can be difficult to ensure both parents share the load equally. "During Covid, my son had to be in quarantine. So even though it was his dad's weekend, I was the one expected to keep him the whole time." When they're on mom duty, they're responsible for everything: Bedtime, meals, school prep, and baths. "There are no breaks or downtime when it's just you."
2. There are some unexpected perks.
Since Kailly shares joint custody, she only has her son every other weekend. This gives her some weekends "off" from parenting. She uses this time to prioritize herself and relax, unwind, or enjoy social activities. Parenting is not easy - whether or not you have a partner at home to help - and every mom deserves to have "me" time! She's grateful that she has this opportunity to focus on herself and her needs. "This is honestly the happiest I've ever been. I was unhappy in my marriage, and being divorced was one of the best things to happen to me. I've had time to work on myself."
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3. Dating is hard.
Between finding a babysitter and finding potential dates who are okay with kids - dating takes work for single moms! Babysitters can be costly for a night out that might not end up being all that fun. Kailly finds that online dating is much more complicated now that she is a mom. "I get it, before meeting my ex-husband, kids would have been a deal-breaker for me too. But, I'd love to meet a single dad who understands the shuffle of single parenting and that kids come first." While dating, Kailly emphasizes that she is not looking for a "replacement" dad like some stereotypes imply. And introducing dates to her son is a no-no for her unless it gets serious.
Kailly S. is grateful for a healthy co-parenting relationship.
4. They seek community support.
"A lot of my friends with kids often have spousal obligations or are busy when I'm on a free weekend." Kailly hopes to meet more single moms to plan activities with and support each other. It can be hard to find mom friends with the busyness of daily life, and especially hard to find friends you feel in sync with parenting-wise. She has considered creating a single-mom group to find local community support and meet other moms at a similar stage. "I think that moms in general, but especially single moms, are the most amazing, badass women on the planet!"
5. They face social stigmas.
Kailly lives in a neighborhood with many coupled families and is one of the few single moms. "I often worry (and this could just be my social anxiety talking) that if I'm chatting with a neighbor's husband in the yard or at the pool, their wives will think I'm that 'single mom' trying to do something uncouth." Stigma and negative stereotypes on social media don't help with that anxiety. "Why do people often assume that we are using child support to get our nails or hair done?" This money is needed for groceries, items her son needs, and the cost of raising a child. There are so many everyday costs to caring for children that people take for granted when they have two incomes or combined finances.
