How little is too little? We're talking sex and marriage!
We've either done it, are doing it, or wondering when we might do it again? Sex seems ubiquitous in marriage, but is it? How much sex is enough?
sex marriage
It started slowly at first. My pregnancy exhausted me and I found myself going to bed earlier and earlier, sacrificing the precious few moments I had in the evenings with my husband. The weeks stretched into months and eventually I couldn’t remember the last time we had been intimate. In a moment of desperation at the recommendation of girlfriends {and maybe influenced by Rachel’s pregnancy on Friends}, I suggested we have sex just for the purpose of getting the baby out. I certainly wasn’t feeling sexy or romantic {how can you when you’re so swollen and achy} but it was utilitarian at that point. If you’re wondering, I went into labor less than 24 hours later. I’m not saying it worked, but I wouldn’t rule it out!I think that pregnancy was the tipping point for the slow sexual decline in our marriage. We adjusted and accommodated. I needed a longer than normal period of time to recover from delivery, which necessitated more abstinence. Soon it felt normal to not be having sex.Our relationship didn’t begin this way. We naturally found our ways to each other, a way to physically cement our emotional connection. OK, so we weren’t constantly ripping each other’s clothes off, but the desire was there and sex was a regular part of our marriage. In the years since that first pregnancy, the time between intimate connections has stretched further and further.The irony is, the longer you go, the harder it is to do it the next time. We’ve evolved into this comfortable life of physical separatism, happily co-existing and co-parenting, but devoid of the zsa zsa zsu {right, Carrie Bradshaw?}. I find myself embarrassed to bring it up. Why aren’t either of us trying to have sex? Is there something wrong with me?
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Occasionally I initiate a little roll in the hay. It’s fun, we both enjoy it. And then, nothing. Months will pass and I’m yet again left wondering what’s going on. Our jobs, kids, laundry, volunteer roles, finances, in-laws, you name it, sap our physical, mental, and emotional energy. Most nights, I’m happy to mindlessly settle in to bed with my book or a Netflix show and don’t give it a second thought. Eventually the worry starts to creep in… how little sex is too little for our marriage?
Studies show the about 26% of married couples have sex once a week, with the majority reporting once or twice a month or less. OK, so people aren’t getting it on as much as I thought, but why are we languishing behind? Why are we content to be really great roommates and friends?I’ve done some reading and therapists say sexless marriages {yup, if you do it fewer than 10 times a year, that’s what they call it} can be successful if both partners are satisfied with the relationship. That’s the question I’ve been asking myself, am I satisfied?
sex marriage
The hardest part is the loneliness this brings. Not from my spouse, but from talking about a problem in my life. There is a shame that comes from not having sex. How could my girlfriends possibly understand? You're supposed to have sex when you're married. It feels so embarrassing to expose this vulnerability, this flaw {is it a flaw, or is that just how people see it?}.So, I’m sharing with you, mommas. I don’t have the solution, but I want to find it. I want my marriage to be successful and filled with love. My children should see a happy, affectionate relationship as a example for their own lives. If you’re struggling to bring the spark back, you are not alone, even if no one else is talking about it. There are people who are quietly struggling with the same thing. Experts recommend opening up the lines of communication between you and your partner, be open to sex even if you aren’t always feeling in the mood, or just start with baby steps to increase your physical intimacy {hold hands, hug often, kiss, cuddle, or any of that other over the clothes stuff you used to do in high school}.I don’t know what this means for us. But the compulsion to write this make me think I must want more. Who knows what the future holds, but maybe tonight I’ll slip into a little lingerie {man, why is that stuff so uncomfortable?} or perhaps a little teenage make-out session is enough for now.
